Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The name is Luke. Luke Skywalker.
I am at war.
My enemy is fleshy and weak. Occasionally it shows itself and other times is hidden underneath layers. The color varies from sickly white to very slightly tan (but mostly sickly white due to obsession with sunscreen but that is totally for another post).
The enemy? My arms.
All of my life, I have longed for thin and muscular arms. I want a redo on this part of my body. Okay, on several parts of my body, but mainly my arms. I have fairly nice legs. My ass is a little juicier than I would like, but it is still okay in clothes. I could do without the muffin top, but that can be hidden most of the time and is not too severe to warrant an all out hatred. I even have an okay stomach. Kinda whacked from two kids but still sorta flat, too. But my arms? Oh, my arms. They are just kind of--there. I suppose if I ate less crap and drank less alcohol, I would have better arms. I gain one pound and it goes right to my arms. There have been periods where my arms look like Popeye, only with out the muscle or the tattoo. I don't do tattoos. I hate needles and can't commit to anything for too long, with the exception of my husband and my children, because I am stuck with them (and I sort of love them a lot too, but I digress).
My friend, Cathy, who arguably has the best damn arms on the planet earth, works out really hard. Plus, she has four kids and I swear that has something to do with it. She claims it is genetics combined with hard work. Really?
Okay, then I blame my Mother. But that's for another post, too.
Since I refuse to give up alcohol, sugar or white food, I am now mastering the art of looking really thin in the arm department in pictures.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Anorexic Arm Tutorial. My friend Veronica (aka Yoda of the flattering picture), is a total master of the anorexic arm. It does help that she is, well, totally skinny and already has good arms, but she still gave me a tutorial on how to give the appearance that you have skinny arms in pictures.
Behold pre-anorexic arm tutorial:
That's that bitch, Veronica, looking all skinny on the left. Completely starving-for-months-because-I-am-so-stressed-I-can't-possibly-eat-a-tiny-bite-bride in the middle, and my fat-assed, well-nourished and liquored up arm, on the right. I look about 15 pounds heavier than I actually am (no, seriously).
According to Yoda, one must angle the arm out and away from the body while the picture is being taken. You have to be careful not to angle too much, though, because you can look as if you have a dislocated arm. Oh, and also, it still looks fat (and dislocated) if not done properly and that totally defeats the purpose and you have to delete it from your digital camera right away. After 10 tequilas (just for sipping, Ana), we tried a few arm moves.
Here we are, mere students of the Anorexic Arm in mid tutorial.
Yeah. Not so much.
We're just getting started....
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Jedi Masters of the Anorexic Arm!
See? See what I mean? OMG, Lisa! Eat a sandwich! Arm not quite at dislocated angle, you might be able to see what looks like a muscle, but is really an optical illusion.
Smoke and mirrors. The story of my life.
P.S. Ana (6 foot tall goddess on the left) looks good all the time and is a bitch, too.